Awesome Animals
What exactly makes an animal “awesome”? First, let me clarify, I am not talking about “awesome” like how an English professor would describe a breathtaking panorama, but rather, “awesome” like how a 15 year old kid would describe the movie Braveheart… in other words, “badass”. The exact definition of “badass” is hard to put a finger on but it most definitely includes large fangs, venom, extreme carnivorous aggression, massive size, absurd survival skills and the ability to immaculately conceive. Note that this is just a small sample of the awesomeness that nature has to offer future posts should illuminate more. But enough semantics…
The Northern Short-tailed Shrew
This shrew gets an honorable mention for being a poisonous mammal. It just barely beats out the more venomous platypus because these little insectivores will attack and eat each other if they can’t find food within a two hour period.
Liger
Basically when a male lion and a female tiger mate, the result is the hormonally freaky “liger” which never seems to stop growing. Tigers and lions – at their most massive – don’t exceed 700 pounds but ligers have been known to exceed 1700 pounds… with all the deadly speed and forced of their smaller counterparts. Luckily for the sake of humanity, these creatures don’t live together in the wild. Other less exciting and less badass hybrids exist but none exhibit the absurd growth potential of the liger. (See Tigons, Pumapards, and others...)
Cockroach
Cockroaches are reviled but simultaneously admired for their famous hardiness. (Remember in “The Rock” when they were used as a test for poisonous gas?) These little buggers can survive a month without food and can live off stuff as nutritional as postage stamp glue. Some can go without air for 45 minutes and can recover from being submerged under water for 30 minutes. (Cockroaches can famously survive a nuclear attack but then so can a number of other insects including the non-badass fruit fly).
Komodo Dragon
Komodo dragons are hands down nature’s most badass animals. Their recent killing of an Indonesian fisherman will no doubt spark some more interest in these fearsome beasts but people really need to understand how incredible these giant lizards really are. The largest living species of lizard – the Komodo on average reaches 10 feet in length and 150 pounds. They have razor sharp teeth and claws and they eat anything from carrion to humans to large mammals to the King Cobra (which they have been known to ambush). They’ve been known to knock down large animals with their powerful tails and they are suspected to be venomous. Whether or not they actually have venom doesn’t seem to matter because they actually have bacteria in their saliva which is powerful enough to kill a human (and unfortunately, there is no antidote for a Komodo bite). And if a Komodo bites you, you ca count on it finding you later as these lizards can smell blood from as far as six miles away. As if this all wasn’t enough, Komodo dragons have been known to reproduce through parthenogenesis which is basically immaculate conception. So a female dragon can swim (of course they can swim… and dive to depths of 15 feet) to an uninhabited island and start a dragon colony all by her lonesome. I mean, these beasts are so incredible I have to resort to listing all their badass features:
• Ability to swallow a goat whole? Check.
• Cannibalistic? Check.
• Willing to dig up shallow human graves in search of food? Check.
• Observed in the wild trying to scare pregnant deer into miscarriages to eat the aborted fetus? Check.
• Eat people? Check.
• Have poison with no known antidote? Check.
• Can immaculately conceive? Check.
The Northern Short-tailed Shrew
This shrew gets an honorable mention for being a poisonous mammal. It just barely beats out the more venomous platypus because these little insectivores will attack and eat each other if they can’t find food within a two hour period.
Liger
Basically when a male lion and a female tiger mate, the result is the hormonally freaky “liger” which never seems to stop growing. Tigers and lions – at their most massive – don’t exceed 700 pounds but ligers have been known to exceed 1700 pounds… with all the deadly speed and forced of their smaller counterparts. Luckily for the sake of humanity, these creatures don’t live together in the wild. Other less exciting and less badass hybrids exist but none exhibit the absurd growth potential of the liger. (See Tigons, Pumapards, and others...)
Cockroach
Cockroaches are reviled but simultaneously admired for their famous hardiness. (Remember in “The Rock” when they were used as a test for poisonous gas?) These little buggers can survive a month without food and can live off stuff as nutritional as postage stamp glue. Some can go without air for 45 minutes and can recover from being submerged under water for 30 minutes. (Cockroaches can famously survive a nuclear attack but then so can a number of other insects including the non-badass fruit fly).
Komodo Dragon
Komodo dragons are hands down nature’s most badass animals. Their recent killing of an Indonesian fisherman will no doubt spark some more interest in these fearsome beasts but people really need to understand how incredible these giant lizards really are. The largest living species of lizard – the Komodo on average reaches 10 feet in length and 150 pounds. They have razor sharp teeth and claws and they eat anything from carrion to humans to large mammals to the King Cobra (which they have been known to ambush). They’ve been known to knock down large animals with their powerful tails and they are suspected to be venomous. Whether or not they actually have venom doesn’t seem to matter because they actually have bacteria in their saliva which is powerful enough to kill a human (and unfortunately, there is no antidote for a Komodo bite). And if a Komodo bites you, you ca count on it finding you later as these lizards can smell blood from as far as six miles away. As if this all wasn’t enough, Komodo dragons have been known to reproduce through parthenogenesis which is basically immaculate conception. So a female dragon can swim (of course they can swim… and dive to depths of 15 feet) to an uninhabited island and start a dragon colony all by her lonesome. I mean, these beasts are so incredible I have to resort to listing all their badass features:
• Ability to swallow a goat whole? Check.
• Cannibalistic? Check.
• Willing to dig up shallow human graves in search of food? Check.
• Observed in the wild trying to scare pregnant deer into miscarriages to eat the aborted fetus? Check.
• Eat people? Check.
• Have poison with no known antidote? Check.
• Can immaculately conceive? Check.
posted by joketrump at 10:44 AM
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