Cycling for Charity
I just realized that it’s fairly easy to Google this blog and for some reason this makes me both immensely happy and scared at the same time. On one hand I feel like I’m only an internet-savvy relative away from ostracizing most of my family, but, on the other hand, I hold the coveted “I’m Feeling Lucky” spot for the always-popular “indigo children transfat john kerry” Google search. Now back to the unnecessary bitterness…
Inefficiency in the name of charity really annoys me. Since bike riders also piss the hell out of me it should come as no surprise that the combination of these two is almost too much to take.
First, a few words on bicycles, bicycle races, and bicyclists… they are all irritating.
- Based on purely anecdotal evidence, your average cyclist takes up way too much of the road and does not follow appropriate street-cycling etiquette. They also seem to think they have the right of way on the road, which is ironic since any car would reduce them to shrapnel in a collision.
- Most amateur bike riders wear annoyingly tight spandex outfits. If you are biking less than 100 miles or you aren’t in the top 10% of the human population in terms of physical attractiveness then you should not wear spandex or other similarly skin-hugging materials in public.
- The French love cycling… which is pretty much enough for me to dislike anything or anyone not named Zidane.
- Lance Armstrong sucks. His athletic accomplishments are astounding but I’m convinced he used performance-enhancing drugs. Actually, I’d still be impressed with his comeback (deathbed to Tour de France champ) even if he did use every steroid under the sun but I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s an asshole. I just wish he was black and he competed in a sport that even remotely mattered because then you know some old borderline racist government representative would find the spare time to head a federal investigation and get to the bottom of this.
Sorry for the tangent, back to the topic at hand. Charity bike rides are stupid. Cycling enthusiasts get a bunch of people to pledge money for a specific charity and then go out and ride their bikes for a while. In reality, these rides are merely elaborate excuses for people to miss work. No one is really more or less likely to donate a few bucks to your charitable organization because of the distance you are riding. Most of them were probably sold the second they heard “cancer” or “AIDS” and just gave you money so you would stop rambling about the bike ride.
(Have you ever donated money to one of these? Would it have made a difference to you if the person had been going two miles or 2000 miles? Either by bike or by foot? No one stops and thinks, “Hmm… I was going to give them money but 100 miles just doesn’t seem like enough to convince me to part with this 5 bucks.” I think most people just give a few bucks so they don't feel as guilty when the inevitable email with pictures from the Bike-A-Thon ends up going straight into the trash folder.)
Instead of charity bike races they should have “Charity Community Service Days” where you get people to pledge money but, and here’s the catch, instead of doing something completely irrelevant that you enjoy anyway, you do actual charity work. The soup kitchen has one more worker, your ass isn’t sore, and you still got some donations. (Better yet, why not just go to work and donate your salary for the day?) Ultimately, I guess I’m being overly critical since these people are doing a good thing but I can't help it. It’s inefficient…and bicyclists annoy me.
Inefficiency in the name of charity really annoys me. Since bike riders also piss the hell out of me it should come as no surprise that the combination of these two is almost too much to take.
First, a few words on bicycles, bicycle races, and bicyclists… they are all irritating.
- Based on purely anecdotal evidence, your average cyclist takes up way too much of the road and does not follow appropriate street-cycling etiquette. They also seem to think they have the right of way on the road, which is ironic since any car would reduce them to shrapnel in a collision.
- Most amateur bike riders wear annoyingly tight spandex outfits. If you are biking less than 100 miles or you aren’t in the top 10% of the human population in terms of physical attractiveness then you should not wear spandex or other similarly skin-hugging materials in public.
- The French love cycling… which is pretty much enough for me to dislike anything or anyone not named Zidane.
- Lance Armstrong sucks. His athletic accomplishments are astounding but I’m convinced he used performance-enhancing drugs. Actually, I’d still be impressed with his comeback (deathbed to Tour de France champ) even if he did use every steroid under the sun but I just can’t shake the feeling that he’s an asshole. I just wish he was black and he competed in a sport that even remotely mattered because then you know some old borderline racist government representative would find the spare time to head a federal investigation and get to the bottom of this.
Sorry for the tangent, back to the topic at hand. Charity bike rides are stupid. Cycling enthusiasts get a bunch of people to pledge money for a specific charity and then go out and ride their bikes for a while. In reality, these rides are merely elaborate excuses for people to miss work. No one is really more or less likely to donate a few bucks to your charitable organization because of the distance you are riding. Most of them were probably sold the second they heard “cancer” or “AIDS” and just gave you money so you would stop rambling about the bike ride.
(Have you ever donated money to one of these? Would it have made a difference to you if the person had been going two miles or 2000 miles? Either by bike or by foot? No one stops and thinks, “Hmm… I was going to give them money but 100 miles just doesn’t seem like enough to convince me to part with this 5 bucks.” I think most people just give a few bucks so they don't feel as guilty when the inevitable email with pictures from the Bike-A-Thon ends up going straight into the trash folder.)
Instead of charity bike races they should have “Charity Community Service Days” where you get people to pledge money but, and here’s the catch, instead of doing something completely irrelevant that you enjoy anyway, you do actual charity work. The soup kitchen has one more worker, your ass isn’t sore, and you still got some donations. (Better yet, why not just go to work and donate your salary for the day?) Ultimately, I guess I’m being overly critical since these people are doing a good thing but I can't help it. It’s inefficient…and bicyclists annoy me.
posted by joketrump at 11:25 PM
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