Facebook Faux Pas: Part 1

Back and trying to update this more often than once every 4 months....

I won't deny that I'm a nerd for even thinking this hard about Facebook...

Poking – poking is strictly off limits unless it is with a very close friend and it is a complete joke. Under no circumstances should random people be poked unless your stated goal is to weird them out.

Not Having Your Phone Number in Your Profile (Guys Only) – I’m going to let girls slide on this one because, unfortunately, some guys don’t get hints and they believe that stalking is actually the way to a girl’s heart. (That said, studies do show that 40% of all “this guy stalked me" stories told by girls are grossly exaggerated.) But as a guy, unless you are Brad Pitt, you should have your cell phone number in your Facebook profile. Isn’t being able to communicate with people the purpose of the site in the first place?

Irrelevant Wall Posting – One should only post on another person’s Facebook wall if:

- The post is designed to publicly embarrass the other person.

- The post is designed to amuse the general public.

- You are female who has an above-average looking Facebook picture and you are posting birthday wishes on a male’s wall.

Why such stringent wall posting rules you might ask? The entire point of the wall is to make your communication with another person viewable by the general public. Thus, “Hey, what’s up? Haven’t talked to you in a while.” and “Are you going to be in town tonight?” are both excellent examples of unnecessary wall posts which should have simply been private messages. Wall postings in general just seem to be flagrant advertisements of one person’s friendship (or mere acquaintance) with another. In the words of my Facebook life partner Colin, “Maybe one day we will be bad enough friends that we can post vague inside jokes on each others walls so people know that we are still super-awesome-close friends…” Well said.

A quick note to the ladies (since guys should never be posting happy birthday on other guys’ walls) – please be cognizant that, when posting the traditional birthday congratulations on the walls of your male friends, it bumps the last person’s wall post off the visible wall and, for all intents and purposes, into virtual Facebook obscurity. Therefore, you should look at the girl who you would be bumping into the abyss of forgotten wall posts and then objectively determine which one of you has the more attractive Facebook picture. Keep in mind that I did not say “which one of you is more attractive in real life” or “which one of you is more attractive when personality is taken into account”. (By no means should you ask another male because he will almost always tell you that your picture is more attractive no matter the reality of the situation.) Ultimately, using discretion when posting birthday wishes - - and thus filling his wall with photogenic Facebook babes - - is the best birthday present anyone can give a guy. Suck it up, admit to yourself that the bitch at the bottom of the list, due to the shady lighting which hides her normally acne-scarred face and her excessive exhibition of cleavage, has a better picture than you, and send those birthday wishes via private message. He’ll appreciate it, trust me.