Recycling
It’s sad that more people don’t take little steps to help the environment. Most people could forgo paper and plastic for “hippie handbags” and everyone could recycle more (except hippies, they don’t need to recycle because they care about the environment). Why aren’t more people driving hybrid cars or using energy saving light bulbs? Couldn’t we all stop running the water in the shower the whole time or keeping the AC on while we’re at work?
I have a plan to help get more people to do these little things to help the environment and the key component of this plan is overly-aggressive verbal abuse. It’s not going to be easy but we have to carry on – if only for the sake of our children. So the next time you see someone using plastic bags at the supermarket, exclaim, really loudly, “Holy shit – are you still using plastic bags? Why don’t you just literally rape Mother Earth! It takes two seconds but, whatever, go ahead and keep fucking up the earth for our children”. Yes, the curses are mandatory. (I’d start recycling more if a nice old lady went off on me using F-bombs for throwing glass in a trash can.) At first this is going to seem a little extreme but you should persevere through the awkwardness. The uncaring bastard without the hippie handbag will probably shrug you off at first as totally weird but that’s ok. By the fourth or fifth time they get berated, they will start wondering if maybe they’re the weird ones.
Understandably, direct confrontation isn’t for everyone but don’t think I left the timid amongst us out of my plan to save the world. If you don’t feel comfortable shouting people down, you can use passive-aggressive warfare. When you see people committing any of the aforementioned heinous acts, stage whisper something to the nearest person like, “OBVIOUSLY this person can afford a hybrid but they choose to drive a gas guzzler – I’d say something aloud but it’s not always clear whether they’re stupid or just hurting the earth on purpose” and then surreptitiously avert your eyes and ignore them.
Whether you are going for confrontation or passive-aggression, you should use all visible clues to your advantage. If you see a cross, drop a, “I bet Jesus would have separated paper and plastic” or if the person looks Japanese, maybe mention something about how they’re stomping on their relatives graves… or something like that. You’ll get both more creative and quicker with practice. Again, people will think you’re weird at first but it will catch on… for the sake of our children’s children, please let it catch on.
If we all work at this, we can convince people that not recycling or conserving energy is the stupidest and most selfish thing that a human being can do.
Postscript: It’s occurred to me that this plan might actually be modified to work on the homeless problem. The twist – instead of verbally abusing the bums, you agree with them. I feel like your average insane homeless man never has anyone agree with his rantings and ravings. If everyone just started agreeing them in an overly-enthusiastic manner, the hobos might get confused and think that they were actually capable of functioning in society and might accidentally get jobs…. which would be a good thing.
I have a plan to help get more people to do these little things to help the environment and the key component of this plan is overly-aggressive verbal abuse. It’s not going to be easy but we have to carry on – if only for the sake of our children. So the next time you see someone using plastic bags at the supermarket, exclaim, really loudly, “Holy shit – are you still using plastic bags? Why don’t you just literally rape Mother Earth! It takes two seconds but, whatever, go ahead and keep fucking up the earth for our children”. Yes, the curses are mandatory. (I’d start recycling more if a nice old lady went off on me using F-bombs for throwing glass in a trash can.) At first this is going to seem a little extreme but you should persevere through the awkwardness. The uncaring bastard without the hippie handbag will probably shrug you off at first as totally weird but that’s ok. By the fourth or fifth time they get berated, they will start wondering if maybe they’re the weird ones.
Understandably, direct confrontation isn’t for everyone but don’t think I left the timid amongst us out of my plan to save the world. If you don’t feel comfortable shouting people down, you can use passive-aggressive warfare. When you see people committing any of the aforementioned heinous acts, stage whisper something to the nearest person like, “OBVIOUSLY this person can afford a hybrid but they choose to drive a gas guzzler – I’d say something aloud but it’s not always clear whether they’re stupid or just hurting the earth on purpose” and then surreptitiously avert your eyes and ignore them.
Whether you are going for confrontation or passive-aggression, you should use all visible clues to your advantage. If you see a cross, drop a, “I bet Jesus would have separated paper and plastic” or if the person looks Japanese, maybe mention something about how they’re stomping on their relatives graves… or something like that. You’ll get both more creative and quicker with practice. Again, people will think you’re weird at first but it will catch on… for the sake of our children’s children, please let it catch on.
If we all work at this, we can convince people that not recycling or conserving energy is the stupidest and most selfish thing that a human being can do.
Postscript: It’s occurred to me that this plan might actually be modified to work on the homeless problem. The twist – instead of verbally abusing the bums, you agree with them. I feel like your average insane homeless man never has anyone agree with his rantings and ravings. If everyone just started agreeing them in an overly-enthusiastic manner, the hobos might get confused and think that they were actually capable of functioning in society and might accidentally get jobs…. which would be a good thing.
posted by joketrump at 8:05 AM
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