Voting: Talk It Out, Use Your Words

(Another few paragraphs back from the election... when we pretended to care about politics.)

It is generally considered taboo in (white) American society to discuss or inquire about the voting habits of all but our closest and must trusted company. This guideline, like so many others, isn’t designed to protect us from political discussion, but rather to protect us from the extremist idiots in our midst. Some people can’t handle the fact that others have different beliefs than them. These judgmental folk tend to drastically alter their opinion of someone based on whether or not that person supports or opposes abortion or how aggressively they want to shut down our borders. Thankfully, most people are more than capable of handling adult political discussion but, as per usual, a few immature nutjob extremists have to go and ruin it for the rest of us. I think the whole voting taboo is cowardly and it ultimately stifles intelligent political discussion between peers.

In spite of our natural disinclination toward discussing politics, some among us still feel the need to make their political views known to the rest of the world… even though the rest of the world doesn’t often care. This used to cause conflict and strife between those just itching to unleash their political genius on the world and those who could care less. And then someone invented the blog…

The Worst McDonalds in the World

(Written in 2007 in response to frustrations with the Mcdonald's at the corner of Broadway and Thomas, in Tribeca.)

Due to its convenient location, I frequent one of the worst run McDonalds in New York City. On average I’d say I go there three times a week and probably 90% of them are somehow marred by the extreme incompetence of the employees. It all starts when you first approach the register. Workers are generally milling around the bank of four registers. Some will be joking around, some will be taking a break eating candy, some will be sulking, and some will just be standing there with a blank look on their faces. These employees fall into two groups: on register duty and not on register duty. The problem is that it’s virtually impossible to tell the two apart. If you are lucky enough to catch the perfect storm of cashier apathy toward their duties and a glut of tourists (preferably with shaky English) you will see all hell break lose. No one is really sure who is on duty and who is not so the boldest person near the register (dreading, for once in their life, that they were first in line) makes a move toward one of the registers. The crowd looks on intently. If that brave soul has the luck to pick the right cashier - - one of the elusive “on duty” variety - - the situation might be salvaged. Other customers will gain confidence and some cashiers might be enlightened enough by the sight of their job actually being done that they start show faint signs of acknowledgement toward the mess of customers. Of course, if that first person is harshly rebuked with a curt “I’m not working” or is just met with a blank stare of apathy then anarchy reigns. You see the two Euro sightseers furtively whispering in non-English about who looks like they might be willing to take their money in exchange for crappy food. Another person darts out of the, by now, formidable whirlpool of people and makes a break for a manned register only to have the cashier pull away in a manner just ambiguous to break the confidence of the attacker. Finally the din of the crowd gets so loud that the workers get annoyed and one of them snaps of the most condescending, impatient and unnecessarily loud “May I take your order”? This will discourage the crowd just enough that some people are jockeying to be second in line so as not to face the register guessing game. Don’t they realize that if you’ve managed to confuse 10 people then the problem is probably on your end? I usually avoid the place during periods of heavy traffic but I’ve seen the full blown hurricane version of this about 5 times but getting a minor storm or a tropical depression of confusion is fairly common.

Assuming you manage to maneuver the line, you face the rest of the problems with the place. Occasionally the food is bad, occasionally they screw up your order, and almost always the employees seem to be in a bad mood. I’ve seen cashiers stop mid-order and carry on a conversation with a coworker until the customer walks away disgusted. About half the time they are out of anything frozen (shakes, ice cream) and their iced tea is not sweetened despite a lack of notification on the menu. The 4 piece chicken nugget order from the dollar menu is also a better deal (both in money and nuggets) than any of the regular nugget offerings (i.e. it’s more cost effective to order five 4-piece nuggets than the 20 piece) and, predictably, the cashiers seem to have no knowledge of this.

Homos, Bigots, and the Bible

(Kind of an old one that was delayed from publication because it lacked an ending... still no ending but here it is.)

The homophobia in our country really disturbs me. I think it boils down to our general inability to empathize with our fellow humans. But first, my thoughts on “the gays”. I have to admit, gay sex kind of grosses me out. Let me rephrase that, gay sex really grosses me out… unless it involves Jenna Jameson, a restaurant bathroom, and an ambiguous plotline involving horny female firefighters. That being said, 95% of “straight sex” grosses the hell out of me and I would completely support the mandatory sterilization/castration of stupid people, old people, and ugly people- - in that order.

The difference between my views and the views of many of my fellow Americans is that even though I’m not turned on by gay sex, (unless it involves the busty aforementioned firefighters) it doesn’t mean I don’t support their right to live their lives and pursue happiness in the ways they desire. For a heterosexual, I am pretty interested in gay people, their culture, and their struggles to attain the same rights that heterosexuals enjoy… that said, I really don’t know what terms the homosexual community is promoting these days and, frankly, I don’t really care too much so you if you are a stickler for vocabulary, just bear with me. Now let’s take a look at the most common “I love everyone but I’m blatantly homophobic” views on homosexuality.

“I don’t mind people being gay but I don’t like them shoving it in my face.”
(Commonly held by conflicted Christians and somewhat-empathetic old people)

This viewpoint is somewhat understandable but still unacceptable. The problem is that most people consider holding hands on the subway “shoving it in their faces”. Playing tonsil hockey in public could be described as “rubbing it in your face” but isn’t that unacceptable on a unisexual basis as well? Any behavior you’d not think twice about from a heterosexual shouldn’t cause commotion coming from a homosexual. Deal with it… it’s called empathy. (It should be noted that demanding “Not Sure” boxes to supplement the traditional “Male” and “Female” on forms is shoving it in our faces. Seriously, just suck it up, remember if you ever had the ability to piss standing up, and check something.

“I’m cool with them having ‘civil unions’ but don’t let them adopt kids.”

Because gay parents produce gay kids and gay people can’t reproduce, right? (“I’m sorry, you can’t adopt this crack baby who is going to bounce around foster homes his whole life because we’re afraid he might want to engage in homosexual acts in the privacy of his own home someday.” Don’t these people have anything better to do… you know, like stopping pop stars from adopting babies living third-world countries?) Let’s be honest, a straight male raised by two gay parents actually has a better chance of reproducing than someone raised by two straight people. He would be an expert in personal hygiene, a stylish dresser, and women would love him. I realize I’m guilty of generalizing here but you know it’s true.

And finally…

“I love gay people and I will pray for them but homosexual acts are a sin.”


Now we’re getting closer to the real issue. Gays are not too popular with a lot of Americans, especially those who have certain religious beliefs. Not all religious people dislike homosexuals and not all atheists love gays but I’m done clarifying. Take my word for it; a lot of religious people think that all gay people are going to hell. The fact that a lot of people who hate gays claim to be especially religious is pathetically ironic. Christian homophobia stems directly from a biblical quotation prohibiting a man from “knowing” (might as well use the biblical terminology) another man. If you are a fundamentalist Christian and you don’t want to be offended then I would recommend that you stop reading here.

I have news for the fundamentalists- - at best, not everything in the bible really happened. (At worst, none of it happened but that’s another issue altogether… yeah, I know, I’ll probably rot in hell.) Let’s assume that God does exist, Jesus was his son, and the majority of the bible is true. This would still not change the fact that some of the bible was man-made. I say this because many things in the bible contradict the general idea of an all-loving God. For example, would an all-loving God really want us to stone prostitutes? Spare me the whole, “Jesus replaced the Old Testament” argument and try to somehow explain how God would authorize the killing of another human being. Can’t do it? That’s because this line was inserted by a fallible human being in an attempt to discourage prostitution. Any idea why God would demand animal sacrifices? Wouldn’t it make more sense to give this food to starving people as opposed to just burning it in some pagan ritual? Noah didn’t take all the animals with him on the ark, Methuselah didn’t live to be 900, and God never took a stand on gays in the bible. Sorry if this contradicts your belief system but, if it does, your belief system is wrong. I’m not stating this as an opinion like, “In my opinion, I personally believe that not everything in the bible was divinely inspired.” I’m telling you that there is no way any loving God would authorize hatred. How can people think this?

The biblical justification for thinking that homosexuality is wrong comes from the several passages of the bible, most notably Leviticus 18:22 which states, “Though shalt not lie with mankind, as with womankind: it is abomination.” Of course Leviticus also says that you shall not eat shellfish, that adulterers should be stoned, and that if a man has relations with an animal, they should both be put to death. (What kind of God would kill innocent sheep for being in the wrong place at the wrong time?) In any case, there are over 50 translations (and countless retranslations) of the bible which was written thousands of years ago by people who were trying to instruct the people in the best way to live their lives…. thousands of years ago. Perhaps some of it needs to be taken in the context of the times in which it was written?