Canada

It really must be tough times up there in our Great Northern Neighbor – what with the massacre currently in progress in Vancouver. The Canadians haven’t beaten us in anything since 1812 (and they got A LOT of help from England in that one). No doubt they expected to use the home nation advantage to finally put Defence Scheme No. 1 into (metaphorical) action but it really shouldn’t come as a surprise to anyone that we’re whooping international butt in the these Games. But here’s what I say to you, forlorn Canucks, it’s not that you’re losing; it’s that you’re looking at this whole thing the wrong way.

See, we obviously have the home advantage at these games because Canada is actually part of the United States – they just don’t want to admit it. Formal annexation would be simple as Canada is already neatly divided into states (which they apparently call “territories”). They already speak the same language as we do complete with a cute and easily identifiable regional dialect. Canadians also play roughly the same sports as Americans and multiple professional sporting leagues locate teams in both nations. (If French-Canada wants to either go independent or join France that would be fine by me – I don’t blame your Anglican Canadian if he doesn’t want to be associated with the French.)

As it is I’m sure most people abroad barely dissociate Canada with America and who do the Canadians really want to be associated with anyway? Canucks aren’t effeminate like the French and they aren’t arrogant like the Brits. Apparently both European nations influence Canadian culture but you’d never know it by doing anything other than visiting Quebec or listening to their national anthem. Canadian cuisine isn’t exquisite like the French’s or even crappy like the Brit’s… they don’t have “cuisine”… just like us. (You want to know about this great Canadian restaurant downtown? I didn’t think so.)

And then there’s the whole Mexico situation. You know Canadians can’t be happy about the fact that the US/Mexico border is virtually nonexistent (where it’s probably necessary) and they have to wait in a customs line just to see a Tigers game. Would it really be that bad to move all the resources spent defending our northern border down to the southern one? A lot more marijuana would probably be trafficked up north but at least when the Canadians deal pot they stop short of building armaments capable of terrorizing local governments. This leads to a major problem in American society today – we can’t get rid of the 2^nd Amendment but we can’t let Mexicans legally buy a lot of guns (because they love forming unusually large cartels). We could easily solve this by outlawing guns in Mexico, keeping them kind of legal in the US, and letting anyone and everyone own them in Canada.

Ok, but Mexico aside, American absorption of the country it shares the longest border in the world with would bring a number of positive attributes to the new and expanded US of A. We’d be a lot better at international basketball with Steve Nash at point guard and we’d be A LOT better at hockey. Our roster of native comedians (who are actually funny) would almost double when we added a number of hilarious comedians like: Dan Akroyd, John Candy, Michael Cera, Brendan Fraser, Tom Green, Phil Hartman, Norm Macdonald, Mike Myers, Matthew Perry, Van Wilder, Seth Rogen, Martin Short, and Keanu Reeves. I know you’re probably wondering how the CFL fits into all of this but I think it would make an excellent feeder league for the NFL (which means they could finally end NFL Europe – if it still even exists).

Canadians – look at it this way. This is going to happen eventually so why not get it over with and start on a new rich legacy of state history rather than clinging to your own forgettable Canadian past. Then you wouldn’t be all upset about this Olympic debacle and, rather, you’d be celebrating total and complete domination of these Winter Olymipcs (and we wouldn't be worrying about the Germans breathing down our necks.)